CHRISTMAS DRAGNET (Parts I & II)

Album

Single

Label

Capitol Records

Genre

Christmas

Media Type

45

Duration

6:39

Entered Chart

Jan 2, 1954

Peak Date

Jan 2, 1954

Recorded

1 December 1953

Catalog #

Capitol Records - F2671

Reissue

Yes

This is the season. My name is Wednesday, my partner is Frank Jones
The chief is Captain Kellogg. December the 24th, Christmas Eve, they
Brought in a guy named Grudge. When I heard what they booked him on
My blood ran cold. It was a 409-6325-096704, not believing in Santa
Claus. 4:35pm, I was working the holiday watch at a homicide with
Frank. Hang up your stocking yet, Joe? Yeah, just before I come down
You too, Frank? Always do. I hung it up early just in case I have to
Work late tonight. Wouldn't wanna miss out when Santa Claus comes
You know. Mm-hmm, sure wouldn't. Be a shame. What you gonna do
Tomorrow, Joe? What you gonna do on Christmas? You got any plans?
Nothing much. Why don't you come by the house, Joe? We're gonna have
Christmas dinner. You know, all the trimmings? Mm-hmm. Turkey, celery
Stuffing, oysters maybe, chestnuts. Mm-hmm. All the trimmings
Cranberry sauce. Love to have you. Mm-hmm. The missus always fixes a
Plate of relish with them little carrot sticks. You know, olives
Pickles, scallions. Most folks call 'em green onions but they're
Really scallions. Did you ever notice that, Joe? Ever notice what
Frank? How most folks call 'em green onions but they're really
Scallions. Mm-hmm, scallions. Any time after 2, Joe, love to have
You. Mm-hmm, well, I'll see. Love to have you. Mm-hmm, well, I'll
See. The missus always fixes a plate of relish with them carrot
Sticks. You know them little carrot sticks? Mm-hmm. Olives, pickles
Scallions. Mm-hmm, let's not go through that again. Love to have you
Go through what again, Joe? How most folks call 'em green onions but
They're really scallions. Oh, you noticed that too, huh, Joe?
Homicide, Wednesday. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm
What's the matter, Joe? What's the matter, Joe? Bringing a guy in on
A 409-6325-096704. You, you mean? Yeah, guy don't believe in
Scallions, I mean, Santa Claus. 6:29pm, we questioned the guy who
Didn't believe in Santa Claus, a guy named Grudge. Says here your
Name's Grudge, right? Yeah. You said you didn't believe in Santa
Claus? It's hard to believe what you said, did you really say that?
Sure I said it. How do you know there's a Santa Claus? You got a
Picture of him? No, no mugshot. Any fingerprints? Mm-mm, no latent
Prints. I just know, that's all. It's like saying there isn't an
Easter Bunny. That's another guy there ain't no of. Mm-hmm, well
That's your story, mister. Joe, he just said that to make me feel
Bad, didn't he? There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe?
Listen, Grudge, didn't I pick you up three years ago on a 1492 for
Not believing in Columbus? Yeah, I don't believe in Cleveland or
Cincinnati either. How about Toledo? I, uh, I ain't made up my mind
Yet about Toledo. Okay, mister, I get the picture now. You don't
Believe in nothing, do ya? Nothing, and you wanna know something
Else? What's that? I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna walk right out of
This room, 'cause you guys ain't got nothing on me. There ain't no
Law against not believing in Santa Claus. There is in my book. Let me
Tell you something, mister, I'm gonna prove there's a Santa Claus if
It takes me all night. Heh-heh, pretty funny, the police department's
Got nothing else to do. Let me straighten you out, buddy. This one's
On Frank and me. Right, Frank? Right, Frank? There really is an
Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe? You know, hippity-hopping down the
Bunny trail? I took Grudge over to the helicopter, got in, flew
Around the city for hours. I showed him department stores. What's
Hurrying in and out of those department stores, Grudge? Happy people
But I ain't impressed. I showed him stockings. How are those
Stockings hung, Grudge? By the chimney with care, but I didn't hang
None up. I showed him children nestled all snug in their beds. What's
Dancing in their heads, Grudge? Visions of sugar plums, but you ain't
Selling me. There ain't no Santa Claus. He still didn't believe
There was only one thing left to do. My job: get to the North Pole
11:45Pm, we arrived at the North Pole. I set the plane down, we
Walked over to Santy's workshop, rang the bell. Pardon me, sir, can
I ask you a few questions? Why, sure, just tickle me to death. What
Do you do for a living? I'm a brownie. What are you doing at the
North Pole with a Southern accent? Well, the boss sort of ran short
On help this year, so he had to recruit a few of us brownies from the
South Pole. Mm-hmm, that figures. Heh-heh, what a waste of time. Can
We talk to your boss, please? Oh, he's out. You would come on the one
Night he's out in the whole year. Mm-hmm. What's your particular job
Mr. Brownie? My boss has eight tiny reindeer. My job? Feed 'em. Mm-
Hmm, yes, sir. What do you feed 'em? Well, most times I fix up a
Little plate of relish. Olives, pickles, and them carrot sticks. You
Know them little old carrot sticks? Mm-hmm. And scallions. Most folks
Call 'em green onions but they're really scallions. How do you know?
Just a stab in the dark. The little man showed us through the
Workshop. My boss'll be back for a second load pretty soon. Say
Would you all like to hear an interesting story? Yes, sir. Well
You see that huge pile of presents over there? Mm-hmm. Man, look at
All that stuff. Would you believe it? They're all for the same man
Been piling up here year after year. Why didn't the guy ever get '
Em? Yeah, why? 'Cause he didn't believe in my boss. You know the
Rules. Mm-hmm, we know. I, uh, don't suppose there's no chance that
This, this guy can still... Get the presents? Oh, sure, he gets '
Em all, the minute he believes. But I don't suppose he ever will
Too bad about that guy. What's his name? Don't say it, I don't want
To hear it. Come on, Mr. Brownie, what's his name? His name? Grudge
The brownie saw us to the door, wished us a Merry Christmas. We were
Heading back to the plane when it happened. Hey! Yeah, Grudge? You
Know that guy I said I didn't believe in? Who's that? S-S-Santa
Claus? Yes, sir. You think I'm too old to change my mind? You're
Never too old, Mr. Grudge. Well, then, I, I, I believe in Santa
Claus. And Columbus. How about Cleveland, Cincinnati, and the Easter
Bunny? Yeah, them too. And Toledo? I, I still ain't made up my mind
Yet about Toledo. Look, Grudge, up in the sky. He's coming back for
The second load. It's Santa Claus! It's Santa Claus! There's the only
Guy I know can make everybody happy in one night. Yeah, he must have
The biggest heart in the whole world. That's about the size of it